So why do I?

I wonder, why do I love someone who is selfish, self centered, boastful, lying, foul mouthed, cheating, controlling, womanizing and  back stabbing? Why do I love someone who has taken me for granted, taken advantage of my loving, kindness, generous, forgiving nature?

I guess its because I have seen his softer side, and no, its not from Sears...lol...he has a softer side, a caring, loving side that comes out when he's protective of me. When I get sick or confronted with another ex. He didnt have much money and spent most of it on himself, but he did surprise me from time to time with thoughtful little gifts. His hugs were warm, his silliness always made me smile, even when I was angry with him. He had a way of getting me to be happy, to laugh. We had our adventures, and they were fun. Camping, skiing, stopping at the park benches for smooches at the zoo, taking our granddaughter to the movies, motorcycle rides through the canyon. His larger than life stories. They are all good memories. I wish we could make more...

From what I see now, I see him running, running away scared to hide from the problems he's created rather than face them. He can fix cars, he can fix anything...but he doesnt know how to fix himself. So he runs. He is running from me, he is running from his ex, he is running from his past, that he seems so eagerly to fall back into. But now I think its not his past, but the things and people that will help him escape from his problems. But he hasn't learned to stand up to them, to resolve them, so he runs, like a poor frightened child.

I love him, its that child inside of him I see, that Child of God I see. That is why I love him. If we are to be like God, to be Christlike, are we not to love all of God's children? I feel for him, he has lost a love that would have lasted forever. That love would have been mine.

3rd Wedding Anniversary

Well, isnt that sweet (sarcasm)....I didnt have much money, but sewed Jim a snowman and made him a card to wish him a happy anniversary. Inside the card, I told him "I wish I could say Happy Anniversary, but without you, its not happy"....he called me when he received the gift and told me the very thing I wrote in the card. You would think he could at least come over to see me. All he could talk about was his financial situation. Too bad for that! He got himself into his own mess. And I'm saving for a house. I gave it up once for him and his motorcycle, I'm not giving it up again.

Needless to say, I have been a basketcase all afternoon, came home to work cause I didnt want to be sobbing in front of my coworkers. So lame. Why do I care so much about a selfish, self centered, rude, obnoxious cheating lying son of bitch! I dont know why either. I keep asking myself that.

What If

 

Don't speak

I can't believe

This is here, happening

Our situation isn't ri-ght

Get real, who you playing with?

I never thought he'd be like this

You were supose to be there by my side

When you say that you want me

I just don't believe it

Your always ready to give up

but never turn around

But what if i need you baby

would you even try to save me

or would you find some lame excuse

to never be true

What if i said i loved you

would you be the one to run to

or would you watch me walk away

without a fight

Im so sick of worrying

watcha gonna quit over anything

I could trip and you'd let go like that

And everything that we ever were

seems to fade but not the hurt

Cause you don't know the good things from the bad

When i say that i want you

you know that i mean it

and in my hour of weakness

there's still time to try

But what if i need you baby

would you even try to save me

or would you find some lame excuse

to never be true

What if i said i loved you

would you be the one to run to

or would you watch me walk away

without a fight

Everytime i speak

you try and stop me

cause every little thing i say is wrong

you say your noticing but you never see

this is who i really am

that you can't believe

makes me wanna know right now

if it's me you'll live without

or would you change your mind

What if i need you

But what if i need you baby

would you even try to save me

or would you find some lame excuse

to never be true

What if i said i loved you

would you be the one to run to

or would you watch me walk away

without a

Oh baby, What if i need you

(what if i need you?)

yeah yeah

(what if i need you?)

What if i need, what if i need you?

(what if i need you?)

Oh oh i need you

(what if i need you?)

i need you you you

-as sung by Ashley Tisdale

It time...

No, I am not your personal secretary.

I will not keep taking care of your bills while you treat me like crap and ignore me.

Time to act like a man.

Time to take responsibility for your own bill payments.

Time to own up to your mistakes.

Time to depend on yourself instead of the unsuspecting women you lie to.

Time to keep those promises and vows.

Time to grow up.

Time to act your age.

Time to be honest.

 Time to show some moral character and strength.

If you want me to act like your wife, its time to start treating me like your wife.

Treating me with the respect I deserve.

Treating me with the same kind of patience and understanding I have given you.

Protecting me from the very things you are guilty of .

Loving me for who I am.

Helping me reach my dreams.

Taking care of me and my needs the way I sacrificed for your wants.

Respecting me for my values.

Having fun with my personality.

Why, if you want to leave,

Have you not filed yet?

Why haven't you changed your mailing address?

Why haven't you come for your things?

Why do you act jealous when I'm talking to another man?

Why are you so weak?

Why can't you see that you had it good.

Why can't you see the difference between love and lust?

You want me to take care of you? Take care of me too!

Apologies

Sorry, does not mean what the dictionary’s definition explains it to be anymore. It has become a word that lame ass immature people use to make light of their bad behavior, to get them off the hook in taking responsibility for their cruel actions or words. A word that they use but never backed up with any kind of action or proof of any remorse. It is used to placate the person they have harmed in one way or another. Never really intending to make amends for what they have done.


Asking for Forgiveness, now that is what I call “being sorry”. Asking for forgiveness takes courage and moral strength. It means you will do anything and everything to set things right. You will go more than the extra mile to prove you are remorseful for hurting someone’s feelings, broken trust, cheating, infidelity, physical pain, etc. It means you feel the pain you have caused. You know you would never do what you did ever again because of it. From my perspective, it takes a mature person to get on their knees to ask for forgiveness.

I have come to hate and despise the word “sorry”. You want my forgiveness; you will have to work on fulfilling the definition I outlined in the above paragraph. Are you strong enough, man enough? Or, will you just run away like the rest, like a scorned dog with his tail between his legs?

Karma's a B17@4

Well now, never thought I would see the day when an ex gets his much deserved negative Karma. Now he just needs to come pick up his mail or be in contempt of court. Should I feel sorry for him? Or not? I think for now, I will just smile to myself. Hoping he doesn't drag me into this mess he's created for himself. I was faced with a decision. Do I let him know he is being summoned by the courts of San Diego? or do I let the mail fall through the cracks? I'm too nice. Haley told me "WWJD"? Thing is, I've been doing what Jesus would have me do. But a part of me wants to punish him for the pain he has caused me.

Problem is, I still care and love this guy. But why? I ask myself that question all the freaking time!!!! Wish someone would come prove to me that I can trust them and sweep me off my feet and take care of me til I'm old, feable and gray!

All the broken promises

We used to dream of our future,

The love we would share

Planning our adventures

Promises of the heart we bared

Trusting in our words

Living each day for the nights embrace

Working hard to earn our place

Among the lovers of novels we dared

To accept one another for who we were

Finding our opposites, we cared

For we saw something we wished we had

Something missing in our lives,

Seeing in the other that made

What would make us complete

Your adventureous soul

My grounding responsiblity

Your silliness and funny nature

My loving forgiveness

Your passion for life

My spiritual heart

Our sharing of strife

It brought us to each other.

I have tried to love you

in an unconditional way

But your guilt and selfishness

Pushed our love away

I will always love you, I told you I would

Life without you will drown me

In sorrows of loss and what I could

Have done better to keep your heart mine

I dream again of what could be

I hope for those days when nothing would stop

Us from being together, overcoming

Those that could see

Beyond the honeymoon year

Into the future, we will never share

That everlasting promise

To never give up

On a everlasting love for each other.