"ASS" "U" "ME"

The other day, I stopped to sign some paperwork with the developer and I was on the phone with my husband. As I walked into the office, I said "Hi Casey", thats the sales reps name I was meeting. My husband was all curious and quite stern when he asked me "who's Casey? who's Casey"? I had to laugh...cause its not like me to cheat on anyone, no matter how bad things are between us. Needless to say, my husband never showed up for dinner that night. He called me later and said he figured I was just too busy. All these asumptions he was making. And none of them were valid. Its like that old saying, "when you assume, you make an ASS out of U and ME".

So why was he so assuming? Why was there jealousy in his voice? And if he wants a divorce, why hasnt he filed yet? Its been since May and he hasnt done anything about this whole divorce thing. I invite him to do things with me and he gives me a "maybe" but then never shows up. Why lead me on if he doesnt want anything from me? Why does everything have to be a game? Why can't grown men act like grown men? Maybe its because they aren't men? They're just Asses? Well, just the men I give my heart to, I guess I'm a sucker!!! I must have that tatooed on my forehead?

Why? I'll tell you why!

Today, I stopped to visit the hubby at his work place, and dropped off homemade banana bread, a cute little stuffed monkey and the new After Midnight Project cd. In a bag that said "Bananas over you". All he said was "why"?

I will answer that with other questions: Have you ever known love? Has anyone really loved you? Do you know what love really is? Not like I have! I know! You are so confused, lust does not equal love, and loving someone based on their looks is not love, its superficial selfishness. You obviously don't know what real love is. Forgiviness, compassion, friendship, understanding, and sacrifice. That is what love is, love is an action word, not a feeling. You have that euphoric feeling when you act out that love for another. Invest time, money, and your heart and mind, you will find love there.

The little things I do are to brighten your day, to get you to see the light and to know that "I am love". Everything I do and have done has been for those that I love. My family, my friends, my spouse(s).

On a side note:

I just watched the movie "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven". Excellent movie...just be sure to have a box of tissues handy if you should choose to watch. That is if you're emotions run deep like mine! Still trying to figure out what the first person was trying to teach Eddie. I get that #2 was Sacrifice, #3 was Forgiveness, #4 was Love, and #5 was Repentance, anyone know what the 1st one was representing? I'd like to know.

Update: Watched that movie three times now. I have come to understand what the first person's lesson was...and this is "we are all connected" in this life. What we do affects another, and we may not even understand those lasting effects, because we come into contact with so many people during our lifetime. Even for a brief moment. But how do we choose to affect others? With love, patience and kindness? or with animosity, contempt and hatred? There is an old song we sang in Primary, called "Kindness Begins with Me". I think I'll stick to that lesson.

My heart is his...

I call, I text, I send him gifts

But all I got from him was a sarcastic "I wish"

Doesn't he know my heart is his?

Where has he gone? Will he come back?

The love of my life has fallen off track.

What happened to our dreams? Were they all a lie?

Has he changed for the better? Or does he continue to fly?

I write him letters

I hear him curse under his breath "leave me alone"

tears in my eyes, my heart crushed

I still need him to make me laugh

to lift my spirits when I am sad

I miss his smile, his promise of undying love

I still need his help from time to time

I depended on him to make my life shine

I miss his silly dances, and our adventures awry

I gave him my heart, I promised him so

In marriage together we vowed

So how do I heal my broken soul?

I trusted, I gave, til it hurt I cared

I long to be with him, a part of his life

and he in mine, one life together,

we had planned to share.

I pray for him, his heart to be true

and to understand and realize

my love for him was deeper than even I knew

We can mend our marriage

through forgiveness and patience for

the sake of our union, growing stronger,

rebuilding the trust, a love everlasting

I know I will live, but whole I am not

for my heart is missing, it is with the one that I love

I dream of being safe in his arms, my head resting on his chest

I pray he comes back, for my heart is his, his heart I miss.

By Tina Nilson

Just another day...

Now I feel he's ignoring me. One day he wants to talk, the next he wants nothing to do with me. What next? I keep trudging along. Doing what I've learned.

I created a CD with some "Snow" songs for him. He would make up his own words to the tunes of "Frosty the Snowman" but change them by adding "skiing" to the lyrics. I resisted adding anything about "love" in the songs. I was so tempted though. The CD was mailed off today, he should receive it tomorrow. But as I have found out, he doesn't pick up his mail every day.

I have had two men tell me, just today, that there are many men out there who would want to trade places with my husband. That they would never have treated me the way he has. They were also complimentary, telling me that I'm "hot". Don't know if they really meant that, or if they were just looking to score something else from me.

The thing is, I don't want anyone else, at least not right now. My heart is still with someone else. Even though I don't know who he's given his heart to lately. Or if he even has one? Was it just a game? Did he really mean the things he said to me that endeared me to him?

Why does love have to be so painful?

Unrequited Love of the Married Kind

Unrequited Love

For years I have been giving from the heart and feeling disappointed when the man I married takes everything I do for granted. I enrolled in Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness program and I am using what I learn on my husband of almost 3 years. We separated back in May. Found out he has been womanizing during the separation and I spoiled one of his affairs. The "other" woman called me and told me she wasn't even aware he was married because he had told her he was single. During the time of his affair, he told me he wanted to work things out with me, that he loved me. So needless to say, I was quite confused, bewildered, and deeply hurt.

I haven't ever denied him the things he loves, skis, skiing, beer, sex, hanging out with his friends. But I found myself being left behind when he went out with his friends. He refused to come to my own family gatherings for the holidays, although sometimes he would show up, hours later.

I still love my husband. After all is said and all that he has done, I don't understand why I don't hate him. Why I don't despise him. I am still very much in love with him. I miss him terribly. I pray for him every day and night. That his heart will be softened.

Some of the things I have learned and implemented from the Marriage Fitness program are:
*talk charges
*touch charges (when I see him)
*sending gifts (to his apartment and his work)

He has responded favorably to them all, and has even called me to shoot the breeze. He took a Saturday morning to fix the brakes on my car. When I asked if I could hug him, he said "yes" but he was doing most of the caressing. Am I wrong to get my hopes up? I so want to have that strong intimate relationship with him. How do I do it without feeling taken for granted?

Mort Fertel says "fake it til you make it". My heart sinks whenever I hear he's not in a good mood, or that he needs to hang up so soon. Or I get his voicemail.

Anyone out there who is experiencing something similiar? Any suggestions on how to win his heart back? (I don't know how I lost it to begin with when I thought I was giving him everything he desired).